Strange Encounters of the Ethnic Kind

All my life I've heard multiple variations of the same question concerning my ethnicity, the most common version being simply, "What are you?"
The older I get, the more I ask that very question. I used to know as a child. It was explicit knowledge. Now at 26 years old, the question is getting harder and harder to answer.

My latest encounter is just one more example:

Pinoy: "I keep forgetting you're half Filipino."
Me: "Haha, really?"
Pinoy: "I wish we knew you are Filipino." Pause, "I wish they knew you are Filipino." She motioned to the group of Filipinos standing a few feet away.
Me: "Well, I am." I didn't know what kind of response to give anymore. "What do I look like I am? Hispanic?"
Pinoy: After a pause, "Yes! You look more Hispanic; not so much Filipino."
Me: At this point, I'm forcing my smile, "Does it matter, though?"
Pinoy: "Well, no. But which side do you favor more? You favor the Filipino side, right? You're more Filipino, aren't you?"
Me: What? Why does she need justification for this strange mindset? "Umm, I guess I'm more American. I grew up in the States, and I don't speak Tagalog." I laugh it off. "That's probably why they don't think I'm Filipino."
Pinoy: She gives an apologetic smile, "Yes, I guess you're right."

While she probably didn't mean to be offensive or insensitive, she was asking me to chose sides in my heritage. What people don't understand is that I wouldn't be me without both sides. Yes, I have the feisty attitude of Filipino women, but I also have the stubborn temper from my German side. Not exactly a win-win situation, but I work with what I've got.
Back to the topic at hand, I've often done exactly the same thing the Pinoy did -- assert one ethnicity over another. There's been times that I've been embarrassed over the thriftiness of my Filipino side (less and less now that I'm living in Thailand) and roll my eyes when it comes to leftovers from restaurants. I've always admired the independence and confidence from my American side. On the flip side, it's been awesome having a natural tan all year long, and being short. But I hate having the American slow metabolism. I love being able to sing with the rest of my Filipino side, as temperamental as it may be.
Whenever I want to side with Asians for one reason or another, I'd pull the Filipino card (and conveniently leave out that I'm only half...); and if I want to disassociate myself from Filipinos, I simply claim I'm American. People don't bat an eye at that one -- I dress American and sound American. Oddly enough, I've been questioned several times as to whether or not I truly am half-Filipino -- even so much as to encounter stark disbelief and denial by Filipinos. As insulting as that may be, it also makes me question who I am. I'm having a harder time straddling two ethnicities fully.

In a world where people are so concerned with where you come from, the story of who I am gets longer and longer. Even when I try to take the shortcut of saying I'm simply "American" there's always the followup question, "Well, why are you so dark then?" -- as if all Americans are white. If I say I'm Filipino, then my accent is called into question. And somehow, saying I'm a Fil-Am causes more questions about my past to arise.

So now I'm stuck saying, "Yeah, I know I look Hispanic, but I'm really half-Filipino." It doesn't help that the only other foreign language I'm comfortable with is Spanish. Like my friends say, I need to embrace my Spanish side and stop fighting it.

It's been harder while in Thailand since my ethnicity has been even more of a question mark. To date I've been confused for: Thai, Singaporean, Cambodian, Malaysian, Hawaiian, Polynesian, Native American, Indian, Pakistani, and my favorite: half black.

Who am I? Who knows? I'm still trying to figure it out. But as one person pointed out, "You're a woman of the nations".

These two books relieved me to know end since it reassures me I'm not alone in my confusion.
Filipino-American Psychology
http://books.google.co.th/books/about/Filipino_American_Psychology.html?id=PrO-YkFy4MkC&redir_esc=y

Struggling to Be Heard: The Unmet Needs of Asian Pacific American Children

http://books.google.co.th/books/about/Struggling_to_be_heard.html?id=wZyIYK1M1ikC&redir_esc=y

I survived today.

Today was a matter of survival. Not in a Hunger Games kind of way, but by all other accounts, I finally reached the end of my rope.

These last several weeks have been one crazy activity after another with very little respite in sight. Yesterday was the Makabucha holiday so we didn't have school. Although I was able to sleep in, there were still things planned for the day that 'needed' to be done. Not 'needed' in the essential way, but needed in the way that I planned to do it. When I plan something I do it. Call it stubborn if you want, but I call it reliable. Well at the end of the day, I worked out for the first time in weeks. Not only did I work out, but I doubled my normal workout routine. Getting done at 9:20pm probably didn't help matters; as tired as I was, it was well after midnight before I was able to fall asleep. I literally had to drag my body out of bed this morning.
That kind of morning called for a rarely-taken coffee. Since I've laid off coffee for quite some time, the effect was a steady attack of the jitters. I was wide awake, but not fully-functional; I couldn't focus on tasks, had little patience with students, and I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. And it just got better. Temper rose to the foreground during the after-school basketball game -- I was upset at the whistle-happy ref, I was upset at the game, but I was mostly upset with myself. By the end of the game, my frustration brimmed over in a few tears. Not to worry, though, I was sweating so badly that the tears blended in.

I can only blame the culmination of tears on the overwhelming schedule I've unfortunately kept up for too long. Ironically, back in college I loved being kept busy -- balancing school work, RA duties, sports, and my social butterfly tendencies. Nowadays, I feel cranky, frustrated, and inadequate if I fail to complete my appointed rounds. Finally today I trudged along through classes, play rehearsal, basketball game, and finally dinner-making.

A true break still won't come for another 3 weeks. I only hope that these next 3 weeks will not simply be a game of survival or filled with coping mechanisms. It's funny how 'required' extra-curricular activities, school work, errand-running, and socializing blend in to a ridiculously full schedule -- one that stresses me out on occasions like this.

Every morning I wake up to a red sun as I get ready for work; watching it rise slowly during the 3 minute walk to school. And every evening I walk home to a red sun beneath the thin clouds before hiding behind the 7/11 at the entryway to my apartment complex.

This isn't my view of the sun, but we do have a bridge just like this in Bangkok.

There's an old rhyme I learned in science class during my middle school home-school days that goes something like this: "Red skies in morning, sailors take warning; red skies at night, sailors delight." This makes me wonder, does the sky look ominous in the morning, and thus make people paranoid about what the day's events may hold? And seeing the red sky at night lead people to believe they will have sweet dreams? Regardless, what does it mean when I see a red sun in the morning and at night?? I'll have bad days but good nights? All things considered, if I had a choice I'd like to have good days and unremembered nights. But I guess we can't have it all.

Through the smog of Bangkok, I see the fury of the red sun. I feel it every day. The moment I step outside my door I am hit with a wall of heat and the sweat that accompanies it.

2012 New Years Goals (Resolutions)

It's back by popular demand -- my demand, not yours -- and as always there's more than one. In no order whatsoever:

1. Exercise more regularly (average of 3 times a week)
2. Use my prep time more effectively/hand back assignments quicker
3. Get rid of old clothes
4. Learn one song on the violin
5. Decide on a living situation -- keep the place I'm in, change the place I'm in (remodel), or move into a more spacious place
6. Loosen up when making plans with others
7. Figure out what I want in life/set my priorities (don't know if this can be decided by the end of the year)
8. Have better self-esteem
9. Be happy.

Unfortunately several of these can just be checked off at the end of the year. They will probably be continuous every year .

But now that these are out there, I'm trusting you to hold me accountable to them!

(For the record, I have so far kept to the first resolution strong) Three weeks in and doing good! Just 49 more to go.....