The older I get, the more I ask that very question. I used to know as a child. It was explicit knowledge. Now at 26 years old, the question is getting harder and harder to answer.
My latest encounter is just one more example:
Pinoy: "I keep forgetting you're half Filipino."
Me: "Haha, really?"
Pinoy: "I wish we knew you are Filipino." Pause, "I wish they knew you are Filipino." She motioned to the group of Filipinos standing a few feet away.
Me: "Well, I am." I didn't know what kind of response to give anymore. "What do I look like I am? Hispanic?"
Pinoy: After a pause, "Yes! You look more Hispanic; not so much Filipino."
Me: At this point, I'm forcing my smile, "Does it matter, though?"
Pinoy: "Well, no. But which side do you favor more? You favor the Filipino side, right? You're more Filipino, aren't you?"
Me: What? Why does she need justification for this strange mindset? "Umm, I guess I'm more American. I grew up in the States, and I don't speak Tagalog." I laugh it off. "That's probably why they don't think I'm Filipino."
Pinoy: She gives an apologetic smile, "Yes, I guess you're right."
While she probably didn't mean to be offensive or insensitive, she was asking me to chose sides in my heritage. What people don't understand is that I wouldn't be me without both sides. Yes, I have the feisty attitude of Filipino women, but I also have the stubborn temper from my German side. Not exactly a win-win situation, but I work with what I've got.
Back to the topic at hand, I've often done exactly the same thing the Pinoy did -- assert one ethnicity over another. There's been times that I've been embarrassed over the thriftiness of my Filipino side (less and less now that I'm living in Thailand) and roll my eyes when it comes to leftovers from restaurants. I've always admired the independence and confidence from my American side. On the flip side, it's been awesome having a natural tan all year long, and being short. But I hate having the American slow metabolism. I love being able to sing with the rest of my Filipino side, as temperamental as it may be.
Whenever I want to side with Asians for one reason or another, I'd pull the Filipino card (and conveniently leave out that I'm only half...); and if I want to disassociate myself from Filipinos, I simply claim I'm American. People don't bat an eye at that one -- I dress American and sound American. Oddly enough, I've been questioned several times as to whether or not I truly am half-Filipino -- even so much as to encounter stark disbelief and denial by Filipinos. As insulting as that may be, it also makes me question who I am. I'm having a harder time straddling two ethnicities fully.
In a world where people are so concerned with where you come from, the story of who I am gets longer and longer. Even when I try to take the shortcut of saying I'm simply "American" there's always the followup question, "Well, why are you so dark then?" -- as if all Americans are white. If I say I'm Filipino, then my accent is called into question. And somehow, saying I'm a Fil-Am causes more questions about my past to arise.
So now I'm stuck saying, "Yeah, I know I look Hispanic, but I'm really half-Filipino." It doesn't help that the only other foreign language I'm comfortable with is Spanish. Like my friends say, I need to embrace my Spanish side and stop fighting it.
It's been harder while in Thailand since my ethnicity has been even more of a question mark. To date I've been confused for: Thai, Singaporean, Cambodian, Malaysian, Hawaiian, Polynesian, Native American, Indian, Pakistani, and my favorite: half black.
Who am I? Who knows? I'm still trying to figure it out. But as one person pointed out, "You're a woman of the nations".
These two books relieved me to know end since it reassures me I'm not alone in my confusion.
Filipino-American Psychology
http://books.google.co.th/books/about/Filipino_American_Psychology.html?id=PrO-YkFy4MkC&redir_esc=y
Struggling to Be Heard: The Unmet Needs of Asian Pacific American Children
http://books.google.co.th/books/about/Struggling_to_be_heard.html?id=wZyIYK1M1ikC&redir_esc=y
