We're now a week into 2014, and it's been five months since my last post. I'll admit it: I have been an awful blogger these last couple years. On the sidebar of the main page, I noticed that I only posted four times in both 2012 and 2013 -- embarrassing since I call myself a writer. This year I'm hoping to change that. Actually I'm hoping to make a lot of changes, or rather improvements, in 2014. Thinking about it has me teetering on the edge of excitement and anxiety.
You see, at the start of the school year back in August 2013, I shifted from being a middle school English teacher to an 11th grade American Literature/Creative Writing/Speech teacher. I expected the change to be challenging, as all job adjustments are, but it's safe to say that I struggled just to keep my head above water. Tripling my workload, in addition to the coaching duties I retained, as well as adding advising duties for the 3 service clubs I agreed to oversee had made the first semester of school overwhelmingly stressful. I noticed it most in the interactions I had with people. I couldn't enjoy social interactions because all I could think of was the school work I still had waiting for me when I got home. I chose to hide at home or go out alone when I wasn't obligated to be with people -- even if I didn't grade papers or lesson plan, at least I could keep my stress, short temper, and self-pity to myself without bothering anyone. I was too exhausted to engage in lively conversation with anyone. After all, I chose to move up to high school. I chose to take on new challenges to keep my teaching skills sharp and my brain actively engaged. I chose to advise separate service clubs when students asked because I believe they want to make a difference in the community.
None of these were forced on me, but by agreeing to do them, I made a commitment to do them well.
But I didn't do them well.
I hate it when people do things halfheartedly, and I loathe myself for doing anything halfheartedly because I strive for excellence. That doesn't mean I'm the best, it just means that I'm doing the best I can. However, my constant failure to do so this last semester left me feeling dejected and self-deprecated; no matter where I looked I couldn't find success. There was no even hand-off -- doing poorly in one area only to succeed in another. My students were disinterested in class, complained about the lack of 'fun projects', and were unwilling to engage in critical discussions of text. I was getting 'gentle reminders' from administration that my students needed to be pushed more, yet also told my tests were too hard. I had somehow made multiple girls cry because of grades (one girl ended up dropping my class). Drama constantly ensued in service clubs when I chose to defer much of the responsibility to the student leader, and the members could not cooperate with the student leader. And my varsity soccer team hit a new low by consistently having inconsistent attendance. A team of 15 dwindled to 12 with 4 consistent players coming to practice regularly. Then there were the personal goals that were set (and attainable) that were not reached. And I felt ashamed.
This was my failure. Failure to motivate and inspire my students in the classroom. Failure to live up to administration's standards. Failure to unite the service club members to be a driving force under one goal. Failure to motivate my players on the field so that they would want to come to practice everyday and give 100%. Failure to follow through with my goals.
I don't do well with failure. It doesn't motivate me to try harder. It makes me hang my head like a pound dog that wasn't chosen for adoption. It makes me withdraw from everyone so at least they wouldn't see my faults and shortcomings.
But 2014 will be different. I'm not usually one who 'needs' breaks, but Christmas break was desperately needed; not just to rest a weary soul and remind me that life isn't as gloomy as I sometimes think, but because I was able to get a new perspective on teaching. No, I haven't come up with exciting new projects for my students. I haven't devised easier tests because I expect students to rise to the challenge. And soccer season will be over in two weeks, so there's not much I can do there.
However, there are always improvements to be made, and I will strive to do the following throughout the new year. This is not a list of New Years resolutions. It is a list of goals I hope to accomplish both professionally and personally.
You see, at the start of the school year back in August 2013, I shifted from being a middle school English teacher to an 11th grade American Literature/Creative Writing/Speech teacher. I expected the change to be challenging, as all job adjustments are, but it's safe to say that I struggled just to keep my head above water. Tripling my workload, in addition to the coaching duties I retained, as well as adding advising duties for the 3 service clubs I agreed to oversee had made the first semester of school overwhelmingly stressful. I noticed it most in the interactions I had with people. I couldn't enjoy social interactions because all I could think of was the school work I still had waiting for me when I got home. I chose to hide at home or go out alone when I wasn't obligated to be with people -- even if I didn't grade papers or lesson plan, at least I could keep my stress, short temper, and self-pity to myself without bothering anyone. I was too exhausted to engage in lively conversation with anyone. After all, I chose to move up to high school. I chose to take on new challenges to keep my teaching skills sharp and my brain actively engaged. I chose to advise separate service clubs when students asked because I believe they want to make a difference in the community.
None of these were forced on me, but by agreeing to do them, I made a commitment to do them well.
But I didn't do them well.
I hate it when people do things halfheartedly, and I loathe myself for doing anything halfheartedly because I strive for excellence. That doesn't mean I'm the best, it just means that I'm doing the best I can. However, my constant failure to do so this last semester left me feeling dejected and self-deprecated; no matter where I looked I couldn't find success. There was no even hand-off -- doing poorly in one area only to succeed in another. My students were disinterested in class, complained about the lack of 'fun projects', and were unwilling to engage in critical discussions of text. I was getting 'gentle reminders' from administration that my students needed to be pushed more, yet also told my tests were too hard. I had somehow made multiple girls cry because of grades (one girl ended up dropping my class). Drama constantly ensued in service clubs when I chose to defer much of the responsibility to the student leader, and the members could not cooperate with the student leader. And my varsity soccer team hit a new low by consistently having inconsistent attendance. A team of 15 dwindled to 12 with 4 consistent players coming to practice regularly. Then there were the personal goals that were set (and attainable) that were not reached. And I felt ashamed.
This was my failure. Failure to motivate and inspire my students in the classroom. Failure to live up to administration's standards. Failure to unite the service club members to be a driving force under one goal. Failure to motivate my players on the field so that they would want to come to practice everyday and give 100%. Failure to follow through with my goals.
I don't do well with failure. It doesn't motivate me to try harder. It makes me hang my head like a pound dog that wasn't chosen for adoption. It makes me withdraw from everyone so at least they wouldn't see my faults and shortcomings.
But 2014 will be different. I'm not usually one who 'needs' breaks, but Christmas break was desperately needed; not just to rest a weary soul and remind me that life isn't as gloomy as I sometimes think, but because I was able to get a new perspective on teaching. No, I haven't come up with exciting new projects for my students. I haven't devised easier tests because I expect students to rise to the challenge. And soccer season will be over in two weeks, so there's not much I can do there.
However, there are always improvements to be made, and I will strive to do the following throughout the new year. This is not a list of New Years resolutions. It is a list of goals I hope to accomplish both professionally and personally.
- Remind students (and myself) why I expect so much out of them and encourage them to rise to the occasion for their own sake -- not mine
- Set clear guidelines before projects/papers and give examples of exemplary work so they know what to work towards
- Set up monthly meetings with all service clubs to organize things a bit better and demonstrate leadership for the student leaders
- Remind students of consequences (late work, tardies, behavior, etc) and enforce them
- Find a nearby fresh market to get produce and cook more (save money!)
- Clean out clothes not worn in a year and give away
- Blog regularly -- at least once a week
- Take Thai language lessons twice a week
- Do something active 5 times a week
- Pay off student loans!
- Revise book for publication
- This summer travel to: NYC/NJ, Pennsylvania, North Dakota, Seattle, Portland area, and home :)
- Most importantly: Learn to let things go and not see life as a failure, but a change in direction. I cannot constantly compare my life to the next person's -- it is in there that my shortcomings are most noticeable, and it doesn't matter because everyone falls short of perfection.
